Using the latest technology, we’ve managed to get hold of some remarkable phone records, in fact some of these calls havn’t even happened yet, these will make Cammilagate like someone calling an ugly old pensioner looking for a sh*g (enough, move on. Ed).
12.13am Friday 1st August 2008, The Tontine. Gibbo & Lamby are finalising negotiations with a major signing for MFC……

Gibbo - So if you could just sign there Mr Essien and we’re all done.

Essien - starts scribbling It will be an honour Mr Gibson. I so look forward to playing for a football club that is part of the community and is revered around the football world as the club that stuck the, how you say, middle finger? Up at the FA. I feel I will have my footballing soul back after playing for such an empty money laundering machine like Chelsea. I am now a player again.

Lamby starts getting excited and raising his hand

Lamby - Gibbo, gibbo can I reveal him to the press, plllleeeeeeaasseeeee…………………

Gibbo - rolls eyes Course you can, course you…………..

Gibbos mobile rings and he answers it

Gibbo - Hello

Voice on the other end - Owight, is that ma main geezer Gibbo ?

Gibbo - Depends whos asking……

Votoe - It’s the main Toon man innit, Wisey…..

Gibbo - Wisey ?!?!?……….Wisey, who the fu……ah Nookie Bear. Sorry Dennis didn’t recognise your silly mockney accent for a second………

Wise - No problemo geezer……

Gibbo covers the receiver up and mouths to lamby “its Dennis Wise” and then proceeds to go bozzy eyed. Lamby leans over to Essien to tell him who it is. They both start going bozzy eyed too and start to giggle

Gibbo - Anyway what can I do for you Nook……sorry I mean Dennis

Wise - Gibbo ma man, you know I’m the main geezer at the Toon these days and am in charge of recr……….recra………buying players…..

Gibbo - Well I had heard……..

Wise - And you know that auld Bubblehead Keegan has facked the job up proper…….

Gibbo - Yes…….yes………….
Wise - And our defence was as easy as Kerry Katona last season……..

Gibbo - Yes…..yes………….you do have a point I’m assuming.

Wise - Of Course, of course. We need a defender and I was wondering wether we could have a chat with your main defending geezer type, Woodgate………

Gibbo - Woodgate ?!?!?!?…………Are you sure ?

Wise - Yeah course I am, he is well wicked at defending I ‘ear.

Gibbo - Erm Dennis, sorry to let you down from your high chair but we sold him to Ashley’s crew The ‘Otspurs in January stifles a laugh

Wise - Fackin ‘ell, I don’t adam & eve it, strike a light guvnor……

Gibbo - Sorry Dennis

Wise - Oh facking cantin fack, Ashley will go facking ape when he realises that Woodgate is defending for the ‘Otspurs now………….Oh fack, fack……..

Gibbo - Easy with the language Dennis, anyway I could still help you out though…..

sound of sobbing

Gibbo - Dennis…….

Wise - Yeah, yeah, I’m still here

sound of whimpering

Gibbo - Well for a paltry £5 million you can buy one of our more “experienced” defenders….

Wise - perks up I’m all ears, I’m all ears……

Gibson - But I want payment in full, no instalments & I need it tying up in 24 hours so it doesn’t leak out…..

Wise - No problem, no problem…………………..come on who is it ??

Gibbo - Ex-England U21 International as well………..in fact I might be underselling him here…………..

Wise - No you can’t go back on a verbal agreement……………….we’ll have him.

Gibbo - Okay it’s a deal. I’ll get Chris to contact you 1st thing in the morning.

Wise - Wicked, Ashley will be proper chuffed wit’ me now.

Gibbo - Anything for a neighbour in need…………………Speak to you soon.

Gibbo hangs up, bursts out laughing and Lamby & Essien join in. They all stand up and start high fiving each other across the table