It’s the 3rd September 2008, Gibbo is having a quiet drink in the Black Bull, Yarm with Gareth Southgate & Colin Cooper (The managerial team that was to lead England to the World Cup in 2018).
Gibbo - Jesus Christ Coops, I told you they wouldn’t let you in the Claggy Mat with your full Boro kit on.
Coops - Just leave it please, and anyway those bouncers didn’t know what had hit them when I done a sliding tackle on em.
(Gibbo’s mobile phone rings)
Gibbo - Hello
Caller - (whispering) Is that Gibbo ?
Gibbo - It depends who’s asking ? Who’s this ?
Caller - (whispering) It’s Mike Ashley
Gibbo - Now then Mike, how’s the beer belly ?
Ashley - (whispering) Yeah, yeah it’s coming on a treat thanks..
Gibbo - Thought so. You do realise you looked a clip on the tele at Arsenal downing that pint of Lager Top ?
Ashley - (whispering) shurrup and leave me alone, I’m a Geordie now ya kna…
Gibbo - Oh I can see that, anyway why are you whispering ?
Ashley - (whispering) I don’t want to wake the two bairns up. They’ve been up most of the night squabbling and they’ve now finally cried themselves to sleep
Gibbo - I thought you had two teenage daughters ?
Ashley - (whispering) I do. I’m talking about my two little playthings at this football club I bought from Freddie ‘Nae blackholes’ Shepherd
Gibbo - Ahhhh, I see. I’d heard that Kevin & Dennis weren’t………how can I put it……….seeing eye to eye & Dennis’ other eye as well
(Gareth & Coops start laughing loudly in the background)
Ashley - (raises voice) Eye to f***ing eye !!! EYE TO F***ING EYE !!!!
Gibbo - Calm down Mike, you’ll wake the kids
(Gareth & Coops start laughing again)
Ashley - (shouting) I’VE HAD TO PUT UP WITH THESE TWO T**TS FOR THE PAST FOUR F***ING MONTHS
Gibbo - Easy Mike, cool yer jets….
Ashley - (normal voice) I know, sorry Gibbo. You know I’ve had to pull the two of them apart three times in the last 24 hours. Dennis has given Kevin a really bad Chinese Burn and at one point Kevin was giving Dennis such a vicious wedgie that I had to shout at them really, really loud
(voices in background and the sound of crying)
VIB - Mr Ashley………………………………………..Mr Ashley. Dennis is sat on my head again…………….
Ashley - For f***s sake, Gibbo I’ll ring you back
A hour passes by before Gibbo’s mobile rings again
Gibbo - Hello Mike
Ashley - Hello, sorry about earlier on
Gibbo - No problem, kids come first and all that
Ashley - Thanks. Anyway the reason I was ringing earlier was I need some advice
Gibbo - Right, so what can I do you for ?
Ashley - Well it was about this Kevin & Dennis situation………
(a long pause)
Ashley - I was wondering if you would take one of them off my hands for a while……..
                               (another long pause)
Ashley - I’d make it worth your while, I’d let you do a trolley dash in Teesside Park Sport & Soccer
                                                       (An even longer pause)
Ashley - Gibbo, are you still there………………..
(Gibbo picks up a paper from the table and starts scrumpling it up near the receiver)
Gibbo - Sorry, M…you a.. breaki.. up, I’ll ri. ………………………………………
(Gibbo, Gareth & Coops burst out laughing)