Now then lads. Been a fun week down here. Started off taking the missus on a shopping trip, was a little flush after relieving some of the neighbours of their money or possessions. It’s great they have an Argos and Sport Direct right next door to each other - how convenient is that. Stick a branch of Lidl next door and thats all your shopping needs within a stones throw of each other, mind you, bookies is bloody miles away. Anyhows she went for the usual, Kappa Trackie, nice pair of Nike’s and the top of the line Sov from Lizzy Dukes. She looks about a Tenner wearing them, mint - mind you, if she thinks I’d actually spend a tenner on her she must be mad. She can do a bit of shop lifting, just lker he mum does.Anyroad, our lad’s little un had just started to play the Guitar, she’s dead keen so we thought we’d treat her and get her some books to help her along. So we pops into this music shop and our lass being the dizzy bint she is decides to show the whole world how she can ballet dance in a Swan Lake meets Jabba the Hut kind of way. She tried that pirouette thing and smashes into a cabinet and knocks over the whole woodwind section … clarinet everywhere. Great I thought, there goes my wedge. Luckily the manager was understanding, well he understood that he he asked for any coin he’s be eathing through a straw for a month,  and I’ve still got a bit of bread left in me pocket.

She’s starting to be a liability, costing me money every time I go out. I should keep her chained in the house like that Austrian bloke at the bottom end of the village says he has done with his family …. yea righto.  Place is full of loons.

Then the mincer finally plucked up the courage to come round. I thought I would be neighbourly and invite him in for a cuppa before I smashed his face in. This seemed to throw him slightly. Took him into the front room and he couldn’t keep his eyes off my sofa’s. The way he was rubbing them I am sure he was getting aroused. Good job I hadn’t eaten. God knows what he wanted to eat.

Then he starts to lecture me on what I did was wrong. Sounded like I was being spoken to be Graham Norton on Helium. Then he tried to get all tough and say he does all the dealing in that house - no wonder that big eared woofter is so timid. I’d had just enough of him and was about to land him one when he started mentioning “lube” “taste” “reacharound” “expensive”, and all of a sudden I stared feeling really queasy, especially the way he was rubbing my sofa and himself. Urgh what a total sicko he is. If he’d been like that in the Priory someone would have lamped him one, bingo or no bingo being on.

So I gave him a tenner to get rid of him and got him out of the house as quickly as possible. It’s OK I’ll get that money back at this neighbourhood watch thingy. I’l better be able to shift it all, Biff has just text me saying there’s another load on it’s way with my name on it. Until next time.

Be Lucky