Now then Gadgies and Gadgesses. Long time no see. Been a busy old time for old Don, I’ll tell you this avoiding doing anything really is hard work. Not as hard as doing a real job but thats for the mug punters….I can see you have all missed me so I’ll fill you in on what’s been happening. Well I had that neighbourhood watch thingy. Our lass put on a lovely spread, well thats what attracted me to her that night in Doggy Workies, if you know what I mean - it’s surprising what good stuff you can fit into your coat pockets in Aldi nowadays.

As they all came in I asked for their coats and house keys. Was a bit worried that several blokes said “I hope I get Mrs Perkins again”. What the hell goes on in this village - sick gets. Anyroad after they went through their usual actions - you know report antisocial behaviour, pick up your litter, blah blah blah, somesones been pinching the vicars underware off his washing line blah blah balh, don’t use your telescope’s to look in Mr Browns daughters bedroom etc then I hit them with my sales patter, telling them in no uncertain terms they either bought something or their houses would be devoid of furniture. They thought it actually was a neighbourhood watch do, did they think I came up the Tees in a banana boat, nothings free from Don lemontop mate, even our lass hands over a wedge when I tickle her tonsils with “Uncle Dons Spam Hammer”. Still I moved enough of the old waccy baccy and nose candy to keep me happy. Flogged the vicar a few tabs of viagra as well. That will have him ringing the bells all night. Feel sorry for the choir boys mind.

Well they cleaned me out in 10 minutes. Cushty. I can give Biff a bell now and get those other “supplies” in.

The next day I was in the garage and that lanky muffter came down. Said he was concerned the Austrian gadge and his bint weren’t there last night and he would go and see what the score is and let me know. Just as I was going to thank him for scoring me more sales, he knocked a shelf off the wall and the red and blue paint tins cracked open on the floor. Claret everywhere. Well I lost it bigtime and sent him away with a flea in his ear and a paint roller up the jacksie. He didn’t seem upset at that……….

Our lass came in and saw the floor - she started going on about cleaning mess up and decorating walls. I felt woozy by this talk, “work my little donner kebab, work? Have you had too many WKD’s this morning ?”.  Time to make an exit, I was out of their faster than going for last oders in the Stainton.

Added to what happened last time I had a go at a member of camp cottage I thought I few days away to let the situation calm down would be best for everyone. And also make our lass forget about a fresh coat on the walls, and to make her forget my newly acquired wedge.

I gave Biff a ring telling him I was ready for his next load and if I could meet him to pick it up. He told me it wasn’t in the country yet and if I fancied taking the risk and a few days abroad I could pick it up myself. Nice one I thought, can get some cheap plonk and a few cartons of Bennies while I am there.

So I gets this tranny (van, you dirty minded gets) and set off. Ended up at this little B&B in Northern France, I was just nearly finished unloading it when this shifty gadgie comes up and asks If I was Don. I tell you what, it’s not easy to talk when your hanging out of the back end of a tranny and your close to dumping your load. Turns out he’s got some top notch knock off and is even giving me a discount for collecting it myself. My lucky day. But he wanted me to load it myself …… sod that - how can I keep my benefits if someone sees me loading a van??

I’ll pay some local kid a few Euro’s to do it.

Finally gets home at the weekend all refreshed and ready for an earbashing and ‘er indoors is fine with me and no sign of Puff n stuff. Weird I thought. Then yesterday the jumbo eared one knocked at the door. He came prepared at least - bottoms of both trousers tied up with string and he was covered in magic tree’s to hide the smell. Took an age for him to speak and it wasn’t until I threatened to do him again he piped up. Turns out the lanky one hasn’t been seen since he went to pay Herr Muller a visit. This cheeky get thought I had done away with him. The nerve of it as if I’d do my own dirty work.

Anyroad, long story short he has actually asked me to help him. Told him it would cost him big and he accepted. Maybe he is not as bad as I thought, plus I have an ideal stash point for any hot items. I told him I’d got to Muller’s and try and start a trail from there. I’ll keep you updated with what happens - in the meantime, be lucky like me.