Hello all. What a traumatic experience the last few weeks have been. It all went downhill after Don’s meeting. I noticed a few slackers had not turned up so I decided ask Don if he wanted me to chase them up. He seemed appreciative and mumbled something about an extra week at Butlins under his breath. Then I was leaving I nudged a shelf with some paint on it. The next thing I know I’m being dragged back up the road with a paint roller up my, well lets just say I hope the next wall they do is brown . A paint roller, I ask I you - I prefer the slender 5mm brush as it gets the edges just right.Still, me being the gentleman that I am I decided to honour my pledge and my first stop was the Mullers. Jug Ears is such a sensitive soul these days so I decided to go alone. I thought something funny was afoot when Mrs Scroggins was there and he was asking “Eva to make a special brew” for me. The next thing I knew I was fact down in this little room. Only a bunk bed a toilet and a sink for company. Took me right back to my student days. I was really scared, what if people thought I was dead and they had a minutes silence for me? And no one was quiet?

Unspeakable things happened down there. OK, let me quantify that, I couldn’t speak much as one of the Village People was trying to take my tonsils out with a Prince Albert.

 I kept a diary of sorts to catalogue the pain and misery down there. The only things that kept me going were the thoughts of seeing jug ears again, the possibility of “them” still not winning and imagining trimming Stevie G’s bush in a thong after tending to Fernando’s mouth. Hmmmmmm.

Then when I thought things could not get any worse I heard the back doors being kicked in (again) and there stood Don. I thought he was there to finish me off but said he was there to save me and that Jug Ears was in the front room I hugged him and he simply whispered “I own you”, whatever that means. I grabbed my diary and made for the door as Don was kicking 7 bells out of Herr Muller. To say thank you I’m doing the Lemontops tea everynight, I do hope they like my special creme brulee………

I feel so elated to be free and as part of my rehab back to normality I have been allowed to do the predictions this week. No doubt as the weeks pass and the trauma eases I will recount with you exactly what went on in that room. Here are your predictions :

Everton v West Bromwich Albion (KO 12:45)

Everton will be looking to keep their home form going and despite drawing last week will still be confident of chasing down Arsenal for a UEFA cup place.

West Brom are making a fight of it but are still bottom. I am not convinced they can get the points they need to avoid the drop. Home win here.

Prediction : 3-0

Arsenal v Fulham

Arsenal have been so inconsistent this season, most unlike them. Another draw last week sees the Champions League places almost beyond them and struggling to hold onto the UEFA Cup place.

Fulham’s home form has been their strength this season and they will think they are almost save. Good job as I can only see a home win here.

Prediction : 2-0

Chelsea v Wigan Athletic

New manager Hiddink has to sort out the home form to build on last weeks excellent win at Villa. They still hold out distant hopes of getting one of the automatic places rather than a qualifying place.

Wigan only managed a draw with “them” last time out, but like Fulham are only a win or 2 from safety and clear of the quagmire at the bottom. Home win for the new boss

Prediction : 2-0

Middlesbrough v Liverpool

“They” still didn’t win while I was incarcerated, that did help my recovery. The have one foot in the Championship - now if only someone would knock them out of the cup.

The mighty reds have obviously been feeling my loss greatly but my rescue this week will inspire them to an easy victory and begin the catch up to make sure they win the league.

Prediction : 0-3

Hull City v Blackburn Rovers (Sunday, KO 12:30)

Hull have been in freefall and the danger is that they fall to far and out of the Premiership. They need a win - and quickly - to arrest the slide.

Blackburn have been picking up points under Sam and although they are still in the bottom three, I fancy them to get something here and ultimately out of the drop zone.

Prediction : 1-1

West Ham United v Manchester City (Sunday, KO 12:30)

West Ham lost to “them” in the cup in midweek. This has tarnished the recent good run they have had. They will also feel they are almost safe.

City are two different sides at home and away, but they need to start picking up some away points. I fancy them to sneak this one.

Prediction : 0-1

Bolton Wanderers v Newcastle United (Sunday, KO 13:00)

Bolton got a vital win last week and that has put a little bit of daylight between themselves and the drop zone. They will be hoping it starts a decent run.

Newcastle are still very much looking over their shoulders and know they need to get some results quickly. I see a draw here.

Prediction : 1-1

Aston Villa v Stoke City (Sunday, KO 15:00)

Villa were shocked by Chelsea last week but will know 2nd place may still be up for grabs. They will focus everthing on this game to make sure of Champs League football next season.

Stoke have been picking up a few points but their home form will be what saves them in the end and I cannot see them picking up anything here.

Prediction : 3-1