Well what a week folks. My column last week got me hungry so went for the Korma with Pilau rice, chips, Garlic Naan, onion bhaji, veggie pakora and side order of poppadoms with mango chutney. Just the job for a growing lad like me (Think you mean “a fat c**t” – Ed) didn’t see my mate from last week mind, think that meal is just too slimming for him. Either that or the bumming went a bit Pete Tong. He should stick to pokey bu……..anyway, back to me column like.

Always excites me doing this as I never know who will be predicting. I hear a dull ringing in my ears, is this someone coming through – oh my God. It’s the one, the only, the legend that is Rolf Harris.

Rolf, this truly is a pleasure, what brings you here?

“Well I read your article last week and wanted to do this after what that prat Hart said. He reckons I’ve got the cloud next to him, I’ll be having words. Why would I want to be so close to a patronising git like him ??”.

Wow Rolf, you are coming through really clear, it’s almost as if you are still here.

“I am you daft bastard, I am on the other end of the phone.”

Dear, dear Rolf so much in denial about being dead.

“I’m still alive you freak. I am gutted that I have to do the Championship predictions though. Gutted for Middlesbrough, how did they go down with such a fantastic Aussie keeper?”
Who, Rolf – Brad Jones, Perths finest goal keeper, Bayswater Citys greatest footballer ??

“No you big galoot, Schwarzer. Jones is f*****g dingo dirt”

Er – Rolf, Schwarzer left about 18 months ago for Fulham.

“Well bugger me with a didgeridoo, I never knew that. May have to go walkabout and have a word with the drongo. And Fulham too, that’s just round the corner from the me latest Shiela I’m rattling, the luscious ginger haired minx Anne R ….. oooh I have said too much. Better get on with me predictions ……

“Well, it’s a ripper of a weekend in the ol’ Champo. Some real hum dingers to get the pubs full and my countrymen working. I’m expecting the home guys to make a real big impression here with all the top dogs providing a fair dinkum return on any wagers. The only ones to stop it will be those baggy boys who I expect will give their opponents a kick up the R’s. Hey, I made a joke there - eat your Hart out Tony (enough with the puns - Ed).

I see a good weekend for the Welsh sides too, only they can rival us for sheep worrying. Them and the Kiwis, but they don’t count. Draw wise I see League 1 as the best option, throw another Shrimp on the Barbie …..”

Thanks Rolf, you are so sadly missed, I hope you come through from the other side again soon.

“I’m sick of telling you I’m not dead you stupid c**t”

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 Ahhh, he’s gone. All I can hear is a single tone, like the tone of the monitor when his heart stopped. Farewell, dear Rolf, farewell. And to all, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow, have the extra large kebab. Until next week …..